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14 July 2008 @ 06:09 pm
How's everyone doing? I wish there were more posts to this community. I am sooo sick of all the ABC 2468 think thin XYZ bullshit. Does not help me at all. Just makes me sad for other people. I was thinking today when looking at some posts in other ED-related communities...if these people are really sick and "hate" their ED's, why in God's name are they asking for HELP or offering suggestions to others. I don't know about anyone else, but I would never try to "help" someone get sicker. I would never wish this hell on anyone, not even my worst enemy. I love people too much...sometimes more than I love myself. 

Enough of that rant.

I visited my family over the weekend. Some parts of the trip went better than expected. I hadn't seen my oldest sister and her family in 2 years, and the last time they were here from Thailand, I did look/act pretty sickly. I was at my lowest weight, depressed, working 40 hrs a week, practicing violin another 30 hrs a week on top of that. I was literally working myself and starving myself into the ground. Well, I got a little better (aka fatter) in the past 2 yrs since I saw my sis. and she said this past weekend, "ya'know...you look healthy. I can't tell how much weight you have gained, and I don't care to know. Just wanted you to know you look healthy and happier." That was so nice to hear...in some respects. 

Of course, she didn't know that in the past 3 weeks before I saw her, I had lost close to 8 lbs. So when she said it seemed I was doing better, all I could say was, "yeah...in some ways."  So, inevitably, when I got home a couple days ago, I restricted more than ever, went jogging on an injured knee, went to bed in tears. What the hell am I doing to myself?! Do I NOT want to be healthy?! ergh...the unanswerable question. I know deep down, somewhere lost behind my slowing heart, I do care to be be happy, healthy, and vibrant again...someday. I have forgotten how, or I don't care enough about myself to act on my wishes. or I am still looking for something to gain from all this. But how can I choose "losing" as a means of "gaining."

Damn this disease. 
and if any of you are feeling anything like I am (consumed, confused, forgotten, trampled, etc) ...
I am sorry.
Current Mood: aggravatedaggravated