?

Log in

23 July 2008 @ 03:30 am
:-(  
I feel like I'm stuck, just treading water, I'm never going to be happy, and it hurts.
 
 
Current Mood: depresseddepressed
 
 
14 July 2008 @ 06:09 pm
How's everyone doing? I wish there were more posts to this community. I am sooo sick of all the ABC 2468 think thin XYZ bullshit. Does not help me at all. Just makes me sad for other people. I was thinking today when looking at some posts in other ED-related communities...if these people are really sick and "hate" their ED's, why in God's name are they asking for HELP or offering suggestions to others. I don't know about anyone else, but I would never try to "help" someone get sicker. I would never wish this hell on anyone, not even my worst enemy. I love people too much...sometimes more than I love myself. 

Enough of that rant.

I visited my family over the weekend. Some parts of the trip went better than expected. I hadn't seen my oldest sister and her family in 2 years, and the last time they were here from Thailand, I did look/act pretty sickly. I was at my lowest weight, depressed, working 40 hrs a week, practicing violin another 30 hrs a week on top of that. I was literally working myself and starving myself into the ground. Well, I got a little better (aka fatter) in the past 2 yrs since I saw my sis. and she said this past weekend, "ya'know...you look healthy. I can't tell how much weight you have gained, and I don't care to know. Just wanted you to know you look healthy and happier." That was so nice to hear...in some respects. 

Of course, she didn't know that in the past 3 weeks before I saw her, I had lost close to 8 lbs. So when she said it seemed I was doing better, all I could say was, "yeah...in some ways."  So, inevitably, when I got home a couple days ago, I restricted more than ever, went jogging on an injured knee, went to bed in tears. What the hell am I doing to myself?! Do I NOT want to be healthy?! ergh...the unanswerable question. I know deep down, somewhere lost behind my slowing heart, I do care to be be happy, healthy, and vibrant again...someday. I have forgotten how, or I don't care enough about myself to act on my wishes. or I am still looking for something to gain from all this. But how can I choose "losing" as a means of "gaining."

Damn this disease. 
and if any of you are feeling anything like I am (consumed, confused, forgotten, trampled, etc) ...
I am sorry.
 
 
Current Mood: aggravatedaggravated
 
 
07 July 2008 @ 03:02 pm
Has anyone found it hard not to give in to thoughts of the past, and the thoughts of self-loathing that come after that? Does anyone else find that random memories can affect how well they're going to do for the rest of the day eating wise? Does it feed in to your depression and eating disorder, or do they not affect you at all? I'm just curious.
 
 
Current Mood: contemplativecontemplative
 
 
06 July 2008 @ 07:22 pm
ABC  
has anyone ever  tried ana boot camp (Abc)? 

how much did you lose  from it?

I am going to try it and hopefully I can lose more than 20 pounds by August 19th.  
 
 
Current Mood: contentcontent
 
 
05 July 2008 @ 05:59 pm
which came first? the depression or the eating disorder.
 
 
 
OK, so I was having a conversation with bodyperestroika and we were basically discussing the faults of the current system of eating disorder treatment right now. One of the major points is that ED-NOS and bulimia nervosa are seen as 'lesser' diseases than anorexia nervosa, which can lead to discrimination in health care and even, as I have myself seen, eating-disordered girls and women waiting to ask for help until they become underweight

This post is directed mostly towards those with maladaptive starvation disorders (i.e. anorexia nervosa and variants, restrictive bulimia nervosa, starvation-based ED-NOS and variants) just because it's what I'm experiencing and thinking about right now - so those suffering from BED, COE and other variants of ED-NOS: I know you're out there. I know you suffer just as much as I do. It's going to be OK.

Here's some other points to our conversation...

I think that's my spiel, but I may add later if I feel I need to.

*heaves a huge sigh*
 
 
Public Service Announcement

Remember that today is just one day among so many others... What you do today will not ruin the rest of your life, unless you set someone on fire. Today will not make you fat, and eating today will not make others stare at you in disgust. It is sometimes hard to realize that what we do today will not condemn our souls to Fat Hell, but today, if not tomorrow, if not yesterday, today realize that you are not horrible if you ate more than you thought you would.

It is hard. I know, especially for those of you who have families that celebrate the current U.S. holiday, that it is hard to let go of that hard-won sense of control and repentance. Still, you are not horrible for eating today. Everyone and their dead grandmother is eating today, and you all know that what seems like a massive amount to you is paltry in comparison to what someone else would consider a normal day. Chances are, no matter what you ate, you haven't eaten that much. There is always going to be someone who has eaten more and, even though you may think you have eaten the house, you haven't. It's OK. You're going to be OK. There was no damage done. It's OK.

Fact: most U.S. citizens would consider 2,000 calories a day to be a normal amount to eat.
Fact: on holidays, many of these people will eat over 3,000 calories a day.
Fact: it is likely in the extreme that you did not eat that many calories.

For those of you who have eaten today, I just want you to know that I am extremely proud of you. You didn't give in to those monsters we call our eating disorders; you kept some of your soul from being swallowed up today. Remember that it is not what adversity you face, it is that you ultimately triumph over it. And if you have eaten at all, you have triumphed. It would be so much easier to give in, to just starve. You have not, and for that you have a strength beyond what the fools who glorify diseases call 'willpower' and 'control'. You are more than strong, you are heroic.

And you are beautiful.

That is all.
 
 
04 July 2008 @ 11:20 am
For that matter, you never really know why you hate yourself. There may be an event, but you can never really figure it out why you, of all humans, should be more deserving of that special breed of vindictive spiteful hatred that we heap upon ourselves in return for eating a potato chip. And for me, that potato chip represented everything I knew myself to be: fat, wasteful, toxic and ugly, the list went on.

I pinched my cheeks, convinced that the chip had been magically transformed into three pounds of fat and then magically transported to my cheeks just so everyone could know what I had done. Because, as close to a religion your eating disorder may be, there is one thing above all that you believe: sin is portrayed on the body, and every bite of food that you fundamentally do not deserve is sin. Rationally, intellectually, you know that this is not so, that people are not cursed to be ugly and fat because they are bad people, but we do not happen to be rational animals. We know, with the certainty that one knows the sky is blue, that we personally are the most horrible people to walk the good Earth and we do not so much as deserve air. If we could stop breathing, we likely would. But we cannot, and so we starve.

And our gradual disappearance, an agonizingly slow drop on the scale, shows that we know how awful we are, and we are making an attempt to repair it....

But you never know just why. All you know is what you are, and that what you are must be changed, erased, annihilated in any conceivable way. Though sometimes you wonder, caught in your addiction as you are, why it was you.... You wonder, and wonder, and wonder.

Would I have traded being happy for this?
 
 
Current Mood: calmcalm
Current Music: Vivaldi - Winter
 
 
04 July 2008 @ 07:19 am
today i woke up and weighed myself.
i gained a pound.
i sat on my bathroom floor sobbing.
for that one pound, i hate myself.
i will have to punish myself for it.
i'm pathetic and this isn't normal.
 
 
04 July 2008 @ 01:01 pm
Well I've been out of a treatment facility for a week and a half, I was in there for 6 months. I've lost 12.2 pounds so far in that week and a bit. That's enough to shock anyone, possibly even myself. I just wish I didn't have to live like this, but at the same time, it's all about control :-(